1. Mom: Honey, I want you to make some friends this summer, lots of them.
Smalls: Yeah, I know. But I'm not good at anything, mom. Face it, I'm
just an egghead.
Mom: Honey, you’ll always be just an egghead with an attitude like
2. Ham: [mimicking Babe Ruth with a cigar in his mouth; the kids
can't understand him] Check this out. I'm the Great Bambino.
Sand lot Kids: What?
Ham: [still can't understand him] I'm the Great Bambino!
Sand lot Kids: What?
Ham: [takes cigar out of mouth] I'm the Great Bambino.
Sand lot Kids: Oh!
Smalls: Who's that?
Narrator (i.e., Smalls): I had no idea what they were talking about.
Ham: What did he say?
Bertram: What? Were you born in a barn, man?
Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, what planet are you from?
Narrator (i.e., Smalls): But there was no way I could let them know.
Squints: You've never heard of the sultan of swat?
Kenny: The titan of terror.
Timmy: The colossus of clout!
Tommy: The colossus of clout!
Benny: The king of crash, man.
Narrator (i.e., Smalls): So, I lied.
Smalls: Oh! The Great Bambino. Of course. I thought you said the great
Ham: That wimpy deer?
3. Ham: Benny, why'd you bring that kid?
Benny: Because he makes nine of us.
Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, so does my sister, but I didn't bring her along!
[the kids all complain about letting Smalls join the team, but Benny
finally has had enough]
Benny: Man, base up you blockheads!
4. [Smalls tells Benny that he doesn’t know how to throw a baseball, and
tries to quit]
Benny: Man, you think too much! I bet you get straight A's and sh-t!
Smalls: No, I got a B once. Well, actually it was an A-minus but it
should have been a B.
Benny: Man, this is baseball, you gotta stop thinking! Just have fun.
I mean, if you were having fun you would've caught that ball. You ever have
a [news]paper route?
Smalls: I helped a guy once.
Benny: Okay, well chuck it like you throw paper. When your arm
gets here, just let go. Just let go, it’s that easy. [Benny starts to jog
Smalls: How do I catch it?
Benny: Just stand out there and stick your glove out in the
air. I'll take care of it. [Benny jogs toward home plate so he can hit the
ball and start the game.]
Squints: It's about time Benny, my clothes are goin' out of style.
5. [After playing all day, they head home. Benny decides to give “the new
guy” (Smalls) some advice.]
Benny: Um, Smalls, bring a T-shirt and jeans tomorrow, okay? Oh, [have
you] got a fireplace?
Smalls: Yeah, why?
Benny: Throw that hat in there, man.
Smalls: Oh, yeah. You know, it was the only one I had.
Benny: Not any more. Wear my old hat. [See you at] 8:00 tomorrow
Smalls: Thanks Benny. Great! 8 o’clock. [He runs into the house,
shouting] Mom! Guess what!?
6. Ham: You call that pitching? This is baseball! Not tennis! [Then
he hits a ball over the fence into The Beast’s yard. Now the guys are upset
because, without a ball, they can’t keep playing.]
Smalls [heading to the tall fence until the kids stop him]: You were
all leaving, so I thought I'd hop (the fence to get the ball)...
Squints: If you were thinking, you wouldn't have thought
Benny: You can’t go back there, Smalls.
Smalls: Then how do we get the ball back?
Timmy/Tommy: We don’t; it’s history. Kiss it goodbye.
Benny: We’ll never see it again.
Smalls: Why not?
ALL: The Beast!
7. [The kids have a “camp out” in their tree-house. Two things kids like
to do at “camp outs” is to eat s’mores and to tell scary stories.]
Ham: Hey, Smalls, you want a s'more?
Smalls: Some more of what?
Ham: No, do you want a s'more?
Smalls: I haven't had anything yet, so how can I have some more of
Ham: You're killing me Smalls! These are s'mores stuff! Okay,
pay attention. First you take the graham. You stick the chocolate on the
graham. Then you roast the 'mallow. When the 'mallow’s flaming... you stick
it on the chocolate. Then cover with the other end. Then you stuff [it into
your mouth]. Kind of messy, but good! Try some!
Squints [starting to tell “the legend of The Beast”]: Okay, quiet! You
guys, quiet! Are you trying to wake it up? It just went to bed!
Smalls: [quite loudly] What just went to bed?
All: SHH! [whispering] The Beast.
Smalls: [louder] Oh yeah!
All: SHHHH! Jeez. Dang.
8. Ham: This pop isn't workin', Benny! I'm bakin' like a toasted
cheeser! It's so hot here!
Squints: It’s 150 degrees out there. You can’t play baseball. You have
to “call it” for the day.
Benny: Vote then. Anyone who wants to be a “can't hack it” pantywaist
who wears their mama's bra, raise your hand. [They all raise their hands.]
Fine! Be like that. So what are we gonna do?
[They laugh and decide to go to the pool, mainly to watch the “pool
honeys.” They say that the best thing about the pool was the sexy lifeguard,
Narrator: Benny would’ve played ball all day, all night, rain, shine,
tidal wave, whatever. Baseball was the only thing he cared about. But of all
the things we ever did besides baseball, going to the pool was what he
Squints [watching the beautiful lifeguard rub lotion all over her
body]: I've swum here every summer of my adult life, and every summer there
she is: lotioning, oiling, oiling, lotioning... smiling. I can't take this
Narrator: One day it became too much for Michael “Quints” Palledorous,
and he did the most desperate thing any of us had ever seen. [He jumped into
“the deep end” of the pool, even though he couldn’t swim. The lifeguard
jumped in to save him, but he didn’t seem to be breathing once she got him
out of the pool.]
Sand lot Kids: Squints! Come on Squints!
Ham: Come on Squints. Squints!
Timmy: Come on, Squints, come on!
Smalls: Come on, Squints. You can do it! Pull through, bud!
Benny: Come on, man, come on!
Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, he looks pretty crappy.
Tommy: Squints! Come on man!
Bertram: Oh G-d, he looks like a dead fish.
[Squints opens his eyes and smiles]
Sand lot Kids: What?
[Squints kisses Wendy, the life guard]
Wendy Peffercorn: [muffled scream] Ugh! Little pervert!
Timmy: Oh, man, he's in deep Shit!
[The kids are forced to leave the pool—forever! As they walk away…]
Ham: Oh, here's your glasses. Did you plan that?
Squints: Of course I did. [I’ve] been planning it for years.
Narrator: Michael “Squints” Palledorous walked a little taller that
day. And we had to tip our hats to him. He was lucky she hadn't
beat the crap out of him. We wouldn't have blamed her. What he'd done
was sneaky, rotten, and low... and cool. Not another one among us would have
ever in a million years even for a million dollars had the guts to put the
move on the lifeguard. He did. He had kissed a woman. And he had kissed her
long and good. We got banned from the pool forever that day. But every time
we walked by after that, the lifeguard looked down from her tower, right
over at Squints, and smiled.